There are so many adjustments to be made in the average marriage, that it is unwise to start out with fundamental differences; and differences in religion are fundamental. Young people, during their courtship, may feel that their emotional harmony will make their differing faiths unimportant, but this does not prove to be true in actual experience.
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It is not difficult to maintain friendships across the barriers of religion, but successful marriage calls for mental, emotional, and spiritual unity, without which complete and satisfactory union between husband and wife is unattainable. Where spiritual unity pervades all phases of married life, other differences become insignificant. But antagonistic church allegiance is like a flaw in a building which extends from the foundation to the roof. Divisive disputes caused by religious differences, generally result in conflicts in a wider area than that of specific religious belief and observance.
Even if for the sake of harmony, the parties agree to become inactive in any church, still the carry-over of their early religious training, the cultural patterns and personal values, will aggravate and complicate the problems of day-to-day living. In Orthodox Judaism there is detailed regulation in daily living. Catholicism requires submission to the authority of the church, while Protestantism generally stresses individual freedom. Most young people raised in any one of these religious groups are deeply affected by their early training, and if they marry into different faiths and undertake to raise a family, their fundamental problems are vastly increased.
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there are many additional, fundamental reasons for marrying with, in the Church. Its members believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, that they have a divine commission to live its principles and teach its doctrines and way of life, therefore, they cannot compromise without being untrue to themselves and to their children.
Adherence to its principles and doctrines is incumbent by divine revelation upon all its members, and they who accept such revelation are anxious that their children shall be taught its principles and live according to its standards. Some of the teachings of the Church are, by other people, looked upon as unusual and extreme. A young man or woman may, for a time, tolerate in his mate practices and indulgences which are forbidden, but the Latter-day Saint boy or girl who marries out of the Church must expect the question to arise and become more vital as children come into the home.
No true Latter-day Saint would wish to have his children leave the Church, sacrifice its blessings or be raised in another faith. By the same token, the other spouse generally would not wish to have the children raised in our Church, and here they join issue; here there is a conflict of loyalties and a parting of the ways. Again we say, religion, if sincere, is fundamental, and wisdom would suggest in the interest of peace and happiness that not only Latter-day Saints, but men and women of other faiths, should marry members of their own church.
There is, of course, the additional incentive for LDS members to marry within the Church, and that is that only worthy members of the Church may be married in the temple. Temple marriage is for time and eternity, and children born to parents who were married in the temple belong to the parents forever.
Let young men and women consider before they marry out of the Church whether they will be willing to lose their children, either here or hereafter or both, rather than overcome and reject a juvenile infatuation. They who marry out of the Church and therefore out of the temple should consider the permanence of the separation agreed to m the civil marriage ceremony, which concludes with the saddening phrase, "Until death do you part.
Each one should try to imagine himself adjusting to the problem of seeing his or her child reared in another faith, or see the child form friendships or accept values and standards which are contrary to his own early training and deep convictions. There can be no warm family fellowship enjoyed when the parents, and later the children, differ on such essential matters. Furthermore, children raised under such conditions will themselves be inclined to minimize or disregard the importance of religion when in turn they may be seeking companions.
Thoughtful young people should, before they start dating, avoid the danger of entanglements and date only those who are of their own faith.
Dating and Marrying Nonmembers
All experienced counselors know that religious differences are among the root causes of incompatibility and unhappiness. Some young people marry non-members in the hope that they may be converted and join the Church after marriage. It is much wiser to settle that question before marriage, and if neither one nor the other wishes to join the Church to which his fiancee belongs, a broken engagement is much better than broken hearts and a broken home after the marriage ceremony.
Young men and women, thinking of marriage, look forward hopefully to building peaceful, love-filled homes and raising happy, united families.
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If they talk to any wise marriage counselor, or the leaders of their own church or the minister of their proposed companion, they will almost invariably be advised to choose life partners whose faith and spiritual background is the same as their own. There are enough built in hazards in this venture with, out deliberately starting out with a fundamental difference. The late President Joseph F. Smith, one of the wisest and most revered of fathers, said in a general conference of the Church:. Some people feel that it does not make very much difference whether a girl marries a man in the Church, full of the faith of the gospel, or an unbeliever.
Some of our young people have married outside the Church, but very few of those who have done it have failed to come to grief. I would like to see Latter-day Saint women marry Latter, day Saint men, and Latter-day Saint men marry Latter-day Saint women; and let Methodists marry Methodists, Catholics marry Catholics, and Presbyterians marry Presbyterians, and so on to the limit. Let them keep within the pale of their own faith and church, and marry and intermarry there, and let the Latter-day Saints do the same thing in their Church;.
We receive many letters from people who face divorce and its attendant evils as a direct consequence of their having disregarded the above counsel.
The following is typical:. As I listened to your address today, I wished, so deep in my heart, that I had listened to similar advice ten years ago. At the age of 22 I married a non-Mormon. I had dated good Mormon boys, but, although I had respect for them, they had failed to "sweep me off my feet. The time has come when my duty is first to my children. We can no longer spend our Sundays hunting or visiting. My children need to go to church. My husband is willing that I should take them, but I must go alone.
We are separated in the one thing that could bring us the most joy. Worshipping as a family. I can see my marriage slowly slipping away from me. Our central interests are different. He likes dogs and sports, mine must be church and children. I must take the children slowly to me and away from him.
We have no common ground on which to meet in time of trial and need. Couples who cannot pray together, can seldom talk to each other. The loneliness I feel these days is almost more than I can bear. The worst part of the whole situation is the conflicts with yourself, knowing that your duty is to the children and the Church, and yet wanting the companionship of your husband. I sincerely hope you will continue to impress these important facts on our youth. I don't believe this subject can be stressed too much to our young boys and girls.
May God be with me, that I may find a solution to my problem.
To Date within or without the Church?
I sincerely hope He can help me do the best with the mistake I have made. There are, of course, many good, sincere, devoted people in other churches. Our objection to marrying them stems, not from any "Holier-than-thou" feeling, but from a desire that both parties avoid the unhappiness which experience shows is almost inevitable. We would advise any Catholic, Protestant, or Jew not to marry a Latter-day Saint and for the same reasons. Marriage is, to Latter-day Saints, not only the most serious and important of life's adventures, but it is, when properly solemnized, the gateway into the kingdom of heaven.
Furthermore, it is prerequisite to admittance to the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. Be careful, O ye mothers in Israel, and do not teach your daughters in future, as many of them have been taught, to marry out of Israel. Woe to you who do it; you will lose your crowns as sure as God lives.
What was the cause of the first, or one of the first, curses that came upon Israel? I will tell you.
Dating Standards
One of the first transgressions of the family called Israel, was their going to other families or other nations to select partners. This was one of the great mistakes made by the children of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, for they would go and marry with other families, although the Lord had forbidden them to do so, and had given them a very strict and stringent law on the subject.
He commanded them not to marry among the Gentiles, but they did and would do it. Inasmuch as they would not do what he required of them, then he gave them what I call a portion of the law of carnal commandments. This law told them what they might and whom they might not marry. It was referred to by the Savior and his Apostles and it was a grievous yoke to place on the necks of any people; but as the children of this family would run after Babylon, and after the pride and the vanity and evils of the world, and seek to introduce them into Israel, the Lord saw fit to place this burden upon them.
In your prayers, before you ask for blessings, pour out your heart to God in thanks for the blessings you have already received. Thank Him for your family, for friends and loved ones, for leaders and teachers, for the gospel, and for His Son, Jesus Christ. You can also express gratitude to the Lord by the way you live.
When you keep His commandments and serve others, you show that you love Him and are grateful to Him. Express appreciation to everyone who helps you in any way. The Lord wants you to educate your mind and improve your skills and abilities. Education will help you to be an influence for good in the world. It will help you better provide for yourself, your loved ones, and those in need.
Be willing to work diligently and make sacrifices to obtain learning. Education is an investment that brings great rewards. You live in a competitive world where a good education opens the doors of opportunity that may otherwise be closed to you. Maintain an enthusiasm for learning throughout your life. Find joy in continuing to learn about yourself, other people, and the world around you.
Make seminary an important part of your total education. Doctrine and Covenants Being part of a family is a great blessing. Your family can provide you with companionship and happiness, help you learn correct principles in a loving atmosphere, and help you prepare for eternal life. Do your part to build a happy home. Be cheerful, helpful, and considerate of others.
Many problems in the home are created because family members speak and act selfishly or unkindly. Concern yourself with the needs of other family members.
Seek to be a peacemaker rather than to tease, fight, and quarrel. Remember that the family is the most sacred unit of the Church. Honor your parents by showing love and respect for them and by being obedient.