Some guys are pretty subtle and it can be really hard to recognize what is going on if: MOST of the time he is pretty charming, and the putdowns are "only teasing" He doesn't "mistreat" waitresses, cashiers or female service personnel, he FLIRTS with them the charm again He doesn't talk badly about your girlfriends, but he flirts openly with them or behaves inapropriately with them behind your back they may be too embarrassed to say anything to you, but they somehow are too busy to talk or see much of you afterwards You may not realise that you are dropping outside interests as the ways in which he "encourages" or forces you to do so can be so subtle it seems to be entirely your decision.
For example you need to go away for a weekend and he volunteers to take care of things for you, but "forgets" to water the plants or your cat gets out or whatever. Soon you find your girlfriends are too busy to cover for you, or more likely, you don't want to hurt his feelings by asking someone else so next time you decide not to go, etc etc. You do less and less of your independent activities and never realize how he engineered your eventual isolation. Awen, Thank you for reminding me to consider some of the subtle clues as to what is going on.
It made me realize that I had more to face. For example, the rough treatment item. I did not even consider that applied to my relationship to X BF. But then, I remembered his "neck rubs". I often gave him very nice neck and back rubs because he had a lot of pain due to an automobile accident. Then, unfortunately, I was in a very similar accident about 10 months ago that caused quite a bit of damage to my neck. When I asked for a neck and shoulder rub because of the pain I was in, he squeezed the muscles really hard.
His rationale was he was "squeezing the blood out to get the muscle to stop spasming. Needless to say, I didn't ask for many rubs! Of course, maybe he really thought he was doing the right thing, but still It's hard because, in some ways, I want to think badly of him because it makes the end of the relationship easier to bear and I want to be realistic about the negatives.
On the other hand, I don't like thinking this badly of someone I cared for so much and had so many adventures with. Isn't that part of what makes a relationship with someone with N tendencies so hard--the ambivalence? I just re-read my post and realized, whether or not he thought he was doing the right thing, it was another example of "not listening"--that same old "voicelessness" thing.
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I told him what he was doing was really hurting me, but he kept doing it. It didn't matter what I said.
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And it happened more than once. Occasionally, I would get a very short "feel good" type of rub, but mostly it was of the squeezing variety that was very painful. He also used to occasionally tell me that some woman deserved to be smacked for "disrespect". I don't remember the particulars, but it might have been something on TV that triggered a comment like that or maybe some situation that we became aware of.
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I don't think that he ever struck a woman, but it did make me feel a little uneasy. I wasn't sure if he was serious or just kidding. Now, I'm feeling almost panicky wondering why I didn't call him on it.
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October 06, , Bloopsy Full Member Posts: No wonder getting into a relationship feels like getting maimed or something. The grave danger in doing this, is that their views are usually far more objective than yours. When your nearest and dearest tells you that they do not like the person that you are dating, you really need to view this as a red flag.
Remember, they love you and want nothing more than to see you happy.
7 Warning Signs That You Are Dating a Loser - Sophie-sticated Mom
However, they see how he treats you. They see the effect that it has on you. They see how dating this guy has changed you into a shadow of your former self. Try and see the situation from their perspective. Also, do not forget that these are the very people who will be there for you, picking up the pieces, long after the loser has disappeared. A loser has a tendency to say one thing but do the complete opposite. He also has a penchant for lying, albeit badly at times. Nonetheless, he will never admit that he was lying, even if he is caught red-handed.
As time goes on, the loser will begin to cancel dates or possibly, not not show up at all. He will make endless promises that he has no intention of keeping. He will say that he loves you but then treats you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He may even become physically abusive.
At this point, you need to walk away, regardless of any tearful apologies that he may make. A loser is self-obsessed and only cares about himself and his image. He is unable to walk past a mirror without checking himself out. He also likes to talk about himself and rarely lets you speak, unless it is to shower him with praise. He expresses very little interest in your life, family, friends, work or your activities and interests.
Your role is to make him feel good about himself and not to bore him with the minutia of your life. A loser tends to be extremely active on social media, constantly posting images of himself. He will closely monitor the number of 'likes' and adoring comments from his followers. It is highly improbable that he will add any photographs of you. He does not want anyone to steal his thunder. A loser lacks empathy and does not stop for one moment to consider how his actions will affect you. His inability to accept criticism also means that he is never wrong. Consequently, any attempt by you to challenge his wrongdoings will simply result in feelings of anger or self-pity on his part.
As a result of this, you may even begin making excuses for his actions. A loser will openly criticise and embarrass you in public. He will do his very best to make you feel worthless, so that he can feel superior to you.
This makes you easier to control. As you begin to have feelings of self-doubt, you will eventually reach a point where you feel worthless. This is exactly where a loser wants you to be. He does not want you to succeed at anything, as that would make you better than him. He is secretly setting you up to fail at everything you do. At the beginning of your relationship, a loser will usually insist on paying for everything.
This is to lull you into a false sense of security, but do not be fooled. This is simply a ruse to deceive you into believing that he is financially secure. More often than not, a loser is living on credit. He is unable to manage his money and often has significant debts. He also has a great sense of entitlement which means that he spends way beyond his means. Slowly, but surely, he will begin to milk you for all you are worth. He may explain that he has 'cash flow' problems and begin by borrowing small amounts of money.
Initially, he may even repay these. A small token gesture which is intended solely to further increase your confidence in lending him larger amounts of money. A loser will view you as his personal ATM and even develop a sense of entitlement to your money,.
2. He Blows Hot and Cold
Whatever you do, never, ever lend a loser any money and, most definitely, do not borrow money or co-sign a loan for him. You really do not need financial hardship on top of heartbreak. If you are having problems getting over them, then you should consider implementing a period of no contact. The most important thing to remember is that the problem is not with you.
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You may even discover that your partner has a history of this type of poor behaviour. It is also possible that he has a borderline personality disorder or, worse still, is a narcissist. Ultimately, you will discover that the trouble with dating a loser is that they are not always that easy to get rid of. As soon as you start pulling away, in an attempt to end the relationship, they usually pursue you with renewed vigour. Whilst this may generate feelings in your head that you may have made a mistake, please remember that this is not necessarily a sign that you were wrong.
Just ensure that you see the loser for the person he actually is, not the person you want him to be. All of a sudden, the guy I had been dating confessed that he had been seeing his ex behind my back. Why did he do that? It sounds as if he wanted a way out, or perhaps his ex had given him an ultimatum. If they are a jerk to these people that is a sign of his character and that he just does not care about you. But a man who makes a lot of false promises or says he is going to do something but does not follow through is not a man. As a man he should be grown enough to follow through on the things that he says he is going to do, especially as it pertains to your relationship.
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And if he is not able to do that, then that shows that not only is he a loser but it also shows that he does not really care about keeping his promises to you and he will just tell you anything with no intention of actually doing it. In my world that is the same as a lie. I wrote about this in my how to know you are in a bad relationship blog which you can read here. Anyone who loves and cares about you should not want to make you feel bad about yourself. If that is their intention then they have an issue not you. If a man is doing this to you then he is trying to make you feel bad about yourself so that he can control you.
A relationship should make you feel good about yourself not make you feel bad. So if he is calling you ugly, stupid, or fat; then he needs to find someone else that meets his needs. Do not feel the need to change yourself based on what a loser thinks about you.