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I say this because in my counseling I repeatedly came across couples who had learned the right communication skills and could use them. They were often fine, caring men and women, but they had serious difficulty living together happily- not at the beginning, but after several years. The bottom line often came down to either very different personalities or very different values.
The other significant variable was the inability of at least one partner to make a lasting commitment. Complementary personalities, however, can also be an advantage. Often people with different personalities can work out accommodations as long as the difference is not too extreme or on too many different fronts. Common values, however, can be a deal breaker. If one spouse values faith and the other resents religion, conflict is inevitable.
One partner may really want children and feels marriage would not be complete without a child, while the other is ambivalent or, worse, thinks children would impinge upon their lifestyle.
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Good communication can only clarify this difference, not solve it. Likewise, if one spouse believes that career is the top priority and the other puts family first, the argument will be eternal- either by outward criticism and fighting or by going underground with general dissatisfaction or depression. Whether one spouse should stay home with young children is a subcategory of this issue. Different beliefs about respect for human life and other moral values are deeply rooted. Getting new information and talking through differences usually only lead spouses to realize that they have vastly different life goals and values.
This is fine, you may say, for engaged couples who have not yet made a marriage commitment, but what about us married couples? Is it too late?
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Can value differences be fixed or changed? The answer is that prevention is always preferable but seldom is a situation hopeless. A lot depends on the severity of differences and whether there are compromises that both spouses can tolerate. Over time they may learn that not everything is black and white. On the other hand, a spouse who rationalizes away ethical decisions, saying they are unimportant, may, with commitment and effort, develop a more sensitive conscience. Sometimes a couple can agree to disagree on a few values and live their lives in different spheres.
For example, one night a week she goes to a prayer group and he plays his favorite sport. Circle the values that are most important to you. And the question that comes up more than any other is: Popular opinion tells us that opposites attract. Look at Romeo and Juliet coming from two perpetually feuding families. We believe that such different types are magnetically drawn together. But do they live happily ever after? Certainly not in those two examples, nor in many others. Even The Little Mermaid — the original Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale, not the treacly Disney movie — winds up rejected by the handsome prince and dies.
To my surprise, their advice was nearly unanimous: Based on their long experiences both in and out of romantic relationships, the fundamental lesson is this: You are much more likely to have a satisfying marriage for a lifetime when you and your mate are fundamentally similar. I can hear some of you saying: But it would be boring if two mates were exactly alike in interests and personality!
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Although it may sound paradoxical, long-married elders agree that some differences can spice up a relationship. But not all aspects are equally important. There are many ways partners can be similar, but the elders say that one dimension is absolutely necessary: Similarity in core values. Now I have talked to many people entering into relationships over the years and I have heard all kinds of reasons for falling in love. Things like physical attractiveness, having a good sense of humor, making good money, being a nice person and physical attractiveness okay, I said it already, but I hear it a lot.
Searching my memory, I failed to come up with a single example of someone saying: The best thing is — we share the same core values!
Take Emma, who at 87 has been married for 58 years. Fortunately we had the same values on most things. We came to our decisions by just realizing that we had usually the same goals.
Arguments emerge over apparently trivial issues, the elders tell us, because they really reflect underlying values. Whether the wife purchases an expensive camera or the husband a new golf club is not the core issue in what can become a monumental fight, but rather the deeper attitude toward what money means, how it should be spent and whether the financial interests of the couple are more important than indulging an individual whim.
Similarity in core values serves as a form of inoculation against fighting and arguing.
Common Values
We came to the point where we asked: Of course, to ensure shared values, there is a catch: Weighty questions, I know, but important ones. I really believe that if there are large differences in your faith now, those will only become bigger and more cumbersome as your relationship progresses. Especially when kids come into the equation. How will you raise them? What do you want them to believe? Like that yearbook from our awkward years, we all have things we hope our partner will never lay eyes on.
And marriage has the amazing ability to take all that you hoped remained hidden, and put it on stage for a nationally televised interview that your in-laws will be watching. Begin to ditch those bags now. Marriage is budgets, laundry, broken toilets, work, weddings, funerals, births, and everything in between. Because marriage is built on a million more mundane moments than magical.
Daily Marriage Tip
How do you envision marriage after 10 years? Are you traveling the world with your spouse? Do you have three kids encased in white picket glory? Are you both working corporate jobs? Are you doing missions work in a different country? Do you have six kids and are driving a bus across the nation to perform a family rhythmic gymnastics routine at county fairs? Your plans, goals, and ideas of the future change—but people who refuse to talk about it rarely do. But with what you know now after going through these questions, can you sit down together and write a vision statement for your relationship?
What will be the goal of your relationship beyond just your relationship? Who and what will you impact together?