But now you must tell your partner about your part in the conflict. This accomplishes two things. First, it takes your partner off the hot seat. Your spouse could respond in a condemning manner, making you the scapegoat for the entire problem. But if you handle it correctly this can easily be redirected in a more productive way. The second benefit of talking with your partner is that it opens up an honest dialogue for understanding each other.
Self-honesty draws us toward the other person. There is no need to defend yourself because no blame is being cast. John might say it this way: But the harder I work to control our money the more it seems to control me. This leaves Mary with an opportunity to both empathize with John and share her part.
When you can both discuss your fears openly in a non-judgmental way, you have established a new foundation for your relationship.
You are now working together instead of against one another. Real healing is now possible. A better way is to agree on certain money principles that give freedom for individual expression. For instance, John wants to live within a budget, Mary wants the freedom to spend on occasion. Within the budget, Mary can be given a certain amount of discretionary cash to use for whatever she wants without having to ask John or report the figures.
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This helps John stay on track with the budget while giving Mary some money to spend freely. Another way to use money to enhance your relationship is to designate a certain amount from each paycheck toward a date. This could be used toward a weekly outing together or saved toward a special get-away.
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View the money spent on your relationship as an investment not an expense. Think of money as a resource to help you enhance your relationship instead of something to hoard or spend frivolously. Choose wisely and work cooperatively in deciding how you will invest in your relationship. Money is hard to keep in perspective.
Literally every day we are pressed with the message that money brings happiness, security, power, and contentment. The truth is that it gives us none of those things.
It only gives us choices. Choose to look at how you might be tangled up in money. Then talk with your partner about how it affects your relationship with one another. Then stop the eroding effect it may be having on your relationship.
5 Financial Problems That Can Kill Your Relationship
Those are the type of choices that bring true, lasting contentment. For those seeking addiction treatment for themselves or a loved one, the MentalHelp. Our helpline is offered at no cost to you and with no obligation to enter into treatment. When they moved in together, Rachel immediately felt responsible for their finances. She set up a budget and loan repayments to reduce the debt. Rachel says she later discovered her boyfriend had a gambling habit.
5 Financial Problems That Can Kill Your Relationship
Despite them both earning "decent wages", it meant they weren't reaching their financial goals. Rachel says arguments about money did contribute to their eventual break-up, but it was a valuable life lesson. Psychologist and couple therapist Sian Khuman says clearly understanding the extent of the debt will give you an indication of how it might impact the relationship. It's about where it comes from and how it's being seen by that person. Ms Khuman says finance is a common issue couples disagree on, which makes finding a way to talk about the debt vital.
Try not to be judgemental.
Ms Khuman says it's likely the person feels ashamed and that could cause them to close off. Ms Browne warns against putting your own financial security at risk for the sake of the other person's debt.
Relationships & money
Ms Khuman says without a contract, when the relationship reaches de facto or marital status, both parties will become responsible for the debt. Ms Browne and Ms Khuman both say there are ways to help your new partner clear their debt without becoming financially involved:. Unfortunately, there are also some cases where a partner might be plunging you into debt behind your back. But he was hurriedly going to buy drugs every day — yes, my ex was a heroin addict for four years before I had any idea," he says.