Melissa, I can understand your pain. I found out about my EW's "extra-curricular activities" as well. It was only 2 months from our separation, before she had a BF, and 4 months before he was living with her. Even though I had horrible feelings for her for what she did to me, it still tore me apart to see her get over it and have another man move in so quickly. That was four years ago, and it took me some time to realize that unless I force myself to get over it, she would use that to keep hurting me repeatedly.
From that relationship, I received two wonderful kids, and I would do nothing to change any of it. I am going through rough financial times right now, but I know in the long run I will be able to look back and say that I enjoyed every minute I had with my kids, and she could not take that away from me. Be strong, and know that he will use your weaknesses to hurt you. Take those weaknesses away, and there will be no bullets left in that gun, so to speak.
As much as it hurts, the facts are he probably moved on mentally and emotionally a long time ago. Don't lose sleep over it, he's not worth your thoughts! I am one to say I understand. Plus, I sent a card - not a sappy, cheery card, but one that said I regret the mistakes I made and the hurt I caused and I assure you that I always love you. I showed the card to several people before giving it to my wife - even my therapist who's working with me on my sex addiction - and they all felt it was an appropriate card.
I wasn't in a happy-happy joy-joy mood on Valentine's, either. I ached all day as I thought about what I did and was hoping our fragile relationship was making a turn for the better. Maybe I shouldn't have done anything for her on Valentine's. We exchanged text messages Monday, and she thanked me for the flowers, and we talked on the phone Tuesday about me coming to the house this weekend to help with some work.
The call got a little awkward at one point, but in all it was a civilized conversation. Should I ask her why she posted the message? Perhaps it's her way to vent. Then again, I'm inclined to let it pass and focus on rebuilding the relationship. Last edited by Mick; 16th February at I would suggest these things: Refrain from making overt romantic gestures.
You did that with the OW s. Your W is disclosed and any such gestures made to her right now will likely bring such thoughts and feelings to mind. Ask her to refrain from broadcasting the state of your marriage publicly. In order for counseling to work, that's the place to share such feelings and thoughts, not with the whole wide world on the internet. She can decline, but I'd take a dim view of such disclosures.
This presumes you were discreet in your sex addiction and did not disrespect her grossly by carrying on your affairs in public. Figure on at least a year and perhaps two years before any semblance of 'normal' returns to your M, assuming it survives. Continue your personal work. It will benefit you, regardless of whether the M survives. People will likely disagree with my 2, but I'm a firm believer that marital business needs to remain between the couple, and a neutral professional, as appropriate. Part of her work is accepting that your affairs are part of your marital past and any future you have together starts today and is completely new.
Status message
Your instinct to let it go is sound, but I would broach the general topic in MC about marital privacy. I make this assertion as the receptacle, an often unwitting one, for women's private marital business over the decades. Good luck and best wishes for a successful reconciliation.
Originally Posted by carhill. Our M ended and my exW never broadcast a word of it publicly. Of course, close friends and family knew.
Dating while separated: what you need to know | EliteSingles
I was the one, as the divorce progressed, who shared the news with our far flung friends, individually, so they wouldn't wonder what was going on with us. She apparently didn't know. The only person, besides our MC, who knew more than that we were divorcing was my best friend and I trust him with my life. He didn't even tell anyone my mom had died, simply because he knew it was my place to do so, not his.
Frankly, if she's not willing to attend MC, especially after a number of months of work and total transparency by yourself, my prognosis for the M is not good. It's going to take both of you to make the M survive and, unless you are both extraordinary communicators, it's going to be a difficult road without help.
People can and do reconcile without it but IMO it helps to leave no stone unturned in the process. If you both try and MC is not your path, then it's not your path. I'll have to read more of your backstory to comment further. God heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.
- Tempted To Date A Guy Who Just Split With His Wife? You’re Nuts.
- Dating While Separated - Is It OK??
- How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband.
Through private message, my brother-in-law suggested that I look up a Bible verse, write it down and give it to my wife before leaving Saturday night. Which verse, I don't know I'll ponder about that from now until Saturday. I will see my wife Friday morning when she drops off our daughter for me to take to school. I won't mention her post, just to ask if she's doing OK and say I'll see her Saturday morning at the house.
I've decided to seek marriage counseling on my own through a faith-based counseling center. I'll have to wait until an opening comes available. The adviser at the center said sometimes it takes one spouse to make the first visits before the second one joins in.
How to Date Your Spouse During a Separation
All times are GMT The time now is The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. Congrats to her— she can have him, and you know what? She deserves the explosive, volatile mean drunk she inherited.
ANY woman who dates a man under these conditions deserves exactly what she gets. Be wise, do not replicate the behavior of your husband.
You are smarter and you will end up far happier. Dont give me an opening. I cannot be sincere with you, I want to be, I think I can be.
Im an emotional wreck with a straight face. I want to look strong. But I am at my most vulnerable right now. Not good for making decisions. Thank you for your powerful comment. You are absolutely correct in that, even if someone like you were back dating again, the new woman will not be able to heal you or replace your loss. Only you can make peace with it and then move towards a healthier you, and a healthier relationship. Thank you for being wise enough to recognize it. The good news is that you WILL heal. Things WILL get better. And if you are emotionally healthy, you have a far better chance of ending up in a better relationship in the future.
Thank you John, you are someone who I just recently broke it off with. He came to me with a straight face…. He just recently divorced out of a 20 year marriage. I needed to hear someone like you tell the truth of how it really is.